If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
