i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
