I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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