brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
