I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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