we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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