The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
COCAINE IS GR8
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
