my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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