I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
