so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
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They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
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After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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