yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
