I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
