There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You should frame my arrest warrant.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Randomize
