Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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