Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
