fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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