Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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