How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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