just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
