I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
