Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
