At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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