in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
