Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
