Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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