remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
