time to smoke my breakfast
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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