I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
