There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
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I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
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How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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