I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
