he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
My life is pants optional.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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