Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
