I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
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I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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