I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
