you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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