I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
