what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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