I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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