i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
