Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
