I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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