george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
