If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
