i just had sex bonerless
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
