I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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