I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
