i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
