My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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