If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
