i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
