I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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