This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
