I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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