Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
