yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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