so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
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I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just found out that she named her cat after me.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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