Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
